The first day of my 100 DAYS OF HEALING TOUR happened to be in March 2017

DAY 1  Boom! Shock. Pain. Tremendous pain. Unbearable pain. Shock. I look at my foot and see it’s hanging next to my leg. The skin is alright, but the form, I see  … this is not in accord. I also feel it. Such pain. And such regret.

I shout it out loud: “Oh oh oh, I regret it so much that I did not take the elevator. So stupid! I shouldn’t have gone by the stairs. No no no. Such pain. So stupid!” But beating up myself doesn’t bring me any further and doesn’t do me any good, so I decide to stop doing this right now. I’ve been beating up myself more than enough, too much and too often and this has to be finished definitely. Beating up myself doesn’t help me. I have to forgive myself right now and be very kind to myself. That is what I need now. Love, unconditional love. And help. I need help immediately. I know I can and have to choose my thoughts wisely. Be gentle, be smart and use all my knowledge about trauma and stress release right now for myself.

The notion that I can not walk, that I’m not able to rise, that I can not move forward by myself, like I always do, every little pain and big hurt totally ignoring, slaps me in the face. This can’t be ignored. It is impossible to stand up, because my foot is swinging loosely at the end of my leg and the pain is maddening. It is impossible to get away from here on my own. This realisation hurts so much and is such a shock. I am the Independence Champion, the Ultimate Runaway. And now here I am, on the floor and better forget about running by myself anyway.

I’m so attached to my freedom and my independence; my autonomy, my ability to leave. (And my alternative option for when it gets difficult; to dissociate, dream away, leave the planet … is no option for today!) Forget it. Ouch!

I’m shivering all over my body. My hands are shaking. I notice my body’s in shock and I know that I have to act now. I search for my phone and with trembling hands I search for my friend’s number and call her. I say: “There’s something totally wrong here. Please come? I’m on the stairs. Something’s wrong with my foot.” And she answers me immediately: “Yes of course. I’m coming. Stay there.” Shortly after I hear her on the stairs above me. “Jeannette where are you? What happened?” She comes to me and I say to her “Be careful, it’s wet here.” I’m sitting on beautiful clean white wet marble. Apparently I slipped and before I realised I was down with an enormous smack. My friend sits with me and is trying to get an idea about what happened, but actually I don’t really know it myself. All of my body is trembling.

“Come on, I bring you to the doctor. Let’s go.” The last piece of the stairs I do on my bottom. I hop on one leg and lean on my friend to her car. Up we go. With my strong Krav Maga Queen. Lucky me. I let myself sink in the car and try to lay my foot somewhat comfortable. That’s impossible. However I position the thing, the pain is unbearable. And every movement makes me nauseous.

She drives me straight to the Private Clinic. And I’m so happy and so grateful that she’s with me. She helps me out of the car and puts me on the stairways in front of the main door. In no time she’s back with a wheelchair and a nurse. I’m heaved in the chair and brought inside, while I’m lifting and protecting my leg with the dangling foot. At the First Aid I’m helped on a table. The foot is getting bigger and I don’t dare to look at it, but look at it all the time. 

People walking on and off. After a while they take me for making some X Ray photos. Meanwhile a nurse taped my foot and put icepacks on it, which feels some better and made it a little more steady, so it swings less when I move. They made my friend sign for me, so now she’s responsible for everything. She’s amazing. Meanwhile I’ve told myself not to worry, not to complain, but trust and already I feel so grateful to anyone and everything around me. 

After some time they bring a real bed, help me onto it and take me in the elevator to my room. My friend sits next to me all day and every hour she’s tinting her lips. Once in a while she’s going to the reception to ask if I’m registered and what’s on the program for me. She taps on my face and so do I and I say: “I release and let it go.” I’m losing track on time totally and have no idea how long we are inhere. Than a handsome man walks in.

He introduces himself and says: “Nice to meet you.” I say my name and shake his hand: “Nice to meet you. I wished we’d met somewhere else in different circumstances.” He replies: “Yes, I do understand that.” He tells me that my ankle is broken on multiple places and that he’s going to operate me as soon as I’m sober (eight hours after my breakfast) and when there’s a surgery room available. I am relieved that this nice person is going to tinker my leg together. He calms me and that is pleasant, that is what I need; being appeased.

To be continued …   (Part of my 100 days of healing tour)
© Jeannette van Uffelen

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